9. the end of the world

This old song, "the end of the world" (not by U2)

"why do the birds go on singing..."

represents to me everything I was taught about love.

"don't they know ... it's the end of the world ... when you don't love me anymore..."

You grow titties & a butt, you learn to put on makeup & fix your hair, you develop some skill in things you're interested in, and POOF! You meet a handsome, sensitive, but rugged, prince, fall in love, get married, and have babies. Just like in the Disney movies.

If you fall in love & they don't love you back you die of a broken heart.

That part I got down long ago.

What the songs really didn't prepare me for was when the reverse was true. I still can't really tell if it's harder being the hurt-ee or the hurt-er. Both suck big muddy hog dicks.

The U2 song by the same title is more representative of the truths of love that I've learned on my own.

"waves of regret & waves of joy I reached out for the one I tried to destroy"

Love. It builds up and destroys. It is the greatest happiness and the greatest sorrow. Everyone you really love is a little bit of who you are. If you love no one, and are not loved, even by yourself, then you must be a pretty empty person.
Everyone you love, you will lose someday, someway. If not, then THEY will lose YOU.
But we keep taking that chance.

All the talk & worry & shame & bullshit about "teen sex!"!!
People, it's not the SEX that kills you; it's the LOVE!! I say, give 'em condoms and tell 'em to have fun! ... that's why I don't have custody, though...

I just realized that everyone you HATE is also a little bit of who you are, too! See, that's why I do this ... I want to learn things from myself!!! Hahaha! I almost made myself lol...
So that explains a lot right there. I've been noticing that what I remember is every insult, reprimand, criticism, or even false rumor I ever heard about myself, instead of all the good & positive things people were throwing my way too! I've brought more of the negative with me, that's for sure. I'm sick of it. I'm throwing it back.

I was gonna write more today about my plan for world domination & mind-and birth-control, and also about my plan to quit smoking, and the fact that I only edited my post from yesterday, not completely deleted it, which proves to me that I CAN drink beer & write at the same time, but only it sometimes makes me write kind of long, rambling sentences, which can only lead the reader to wish I'd written about the msn story about the best places other than bars to meet men and how I'd have thrown in my addendum to that article to read "and don't take your kids, cause no reasonable man is gonna want another man's child to help raise, or even spend the weekends with, so just DON'T FUCKING HAVE BABIES BEFORE YOU CAN TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEM ON YOUR OWN!"

And get to know yourself before you ever fall in love, if possible.

I'm gonna do a cover of that song, the Dusty Springfield one, cause it's just fun to sing, and it's sooooo pretty!

it's only monday,
love,
azb

8. and suddenly autumn was here

Tonight it's getting ree-e-eally cold ree-e-eally quickly!
You know what they say about Mississippi: if you don't like the weather, stick around a couple days & it'll change!
Same with azblack. If you don't like my ways, stick around...they'll change too. Cause I'm borderline!

Last year I so looked forward to autumn, and couldn't wait to get pictures of the foliage right here in my yard. And then when it came, damn! all the leaves were just brown. But this year, I'm a little more relaxed, and have noticed the dogwoods changing. And across the street, there are some trees whose leaves seem to be turning white for fall. I've gotta get some good photos of that.

I'm looking for positivity. I'll take it wherever I can get it.

I realize that there are things about me which make others uncomfortable, but others often make ME feel uncomfortable, and they've almost always got some BACK UP! I've only ever had myself.

All of my problems, and quite a few problems of everyone who's ever been close to me, could have been avoided if the azblack plan of world utopia had been enacted long ago. I would never have been born.

Under the azblack plan, once a loving couple has one of each gender, that's it. What need is there for a 3rd? I can sorta understand "trying to get a boy" or "trying to get a girl" once or twice more, but that's enough!!

It should not be harder to buy a house than to become a parent.

That's the first and most important rule in my aztopia. Zero population growth, world-wide.

I've always believed I was an accident. I certainly wasn't an improvement on the female child they already had produced. And I sure as hell wasn't as good a person as my brother, either. My parents would have been fairly successful in their parenting, if they'd stopped at 2 kids.

But back to the weather.

I said I would. Before this winter. But then I think, "who cares?"
If I quit smoking today, and started blogging more and writing more songs instead, would anybody notice? If I quit smoking today and started finding ways to make money, would I make that money? Would I get my car fixed, or buy a new car with the money I used to spend on cigarettes?
Would I exercise to keep from looking like a big-ass freight train wreck from the eating they've assured me will replace the smoking? Will the doctor give me Xanax to help me through the first couple weeks? I hope so.

There's a good chance this post will be deleted before even 24 hours are up.

Happy Monday
azb

7. quoting scripture

If you really believe the story of Jesus as it reads in the New Testament, then you surely know that the first public miracle he performed was the turning of water into wine. They were at a wedding, for chrissake, a Jewish wedding of the highest social order, I assume, and they RAN OUT OF WINE!
Jesus was no goob. He knew when his help was needed. The son of God almighty (which i don't think he ever really claimed to be) has the power of heaven & earth at his command! We're at a WEDDING!! one of the happiest occasions there are! We must have WINE!!
He probably sort of sneaked over to the water-vats, kind of nonchalantly waved his ... will?...arm?... over them, then said something like, "Oh see here now, my friends, there are spirits enough here for the entire village! Mozeltov everyone!"

Of course, someone noticed (probably an alcoholic!) and started stalking him, and the rest is history.

So much of my life has been wasted in thinking about, talking about, praying about, the chemicals I do or do not put into my body. And whether it was phrased in religious terms (sin, satan, etc.) or in psychobabble (neuroses, co-dependency, etc.) or medical jargon (serotonin, estrogen, etc.), It's been drilled into my head and heart that there's something wrong with me because I enjoy drinking to celebrate, benzodiazepams to relax, nicotine to do whatever it is it does, weed to get ...high!.., and opiates when i'm hurting.
Jesus himself knew that to celebrate, it's a good thing to have a little bubbly. It's good to settle your spirits with a little magical potion from time to time. Paul even told Timothy, I believe it was, to have "a little wine for your... stomach," I think he said.

But the bible-belters are strict prohibitionists. You can't have champagne at a Southern Baptist wedding, or a Pentecostal wedding. They hang onto this dogma in direct violation of Jesus's own example.

If you want me to, I can reference the parts in the bible I'm talking about. I would have to look it up, though. I hate when people quote book & verse to me. How irritating. That's why I never learned to do it.

It's Friday night, so I'm actually having a little potion right now.
Jesus told me to.

peace,
happy weekend,
azb

6. dying laughing

It makes us happy, then slightly intoxicated, then sleepy.
The greatest danger is that of dying laughing,
I don't know of any recorded cases of a person actually dying laughing, but, damn! What a way to go!! I hope I fucking DO die laughing!!

I grew up in a dry county, so nobody could buy alcoholic beverages anywhere, anytime. But people were drinking all over the place, of course. When I was in junior high, they had a vote, and once again, the "drys" ruled. Big fucking deal! By the time we were 15, and could drive, we knew where to buy any kind of alcohol in the next county. But I was one of those who preferred staying in the country anyhow, if you know what I mean.

Personally, I'd rather have a president who tokes up every now & then than one who speaks to a supernatural being he calls Jesus, who tells him to bomb people.
"I never touch the stuff. Ye got any cocaine?" said the president on saturday nite live the other night. That's him, allright. Praise god & pass the meth. but don't smoke dope...

5. blog the pain away

Someone wanted to know why I'm blogging. I know no one reads this, but perhaps someone will someday. And if no one ever does read it, well, that's ok too. I'll make a book or something from these posts, and maybe my grandchildren will have something to remember me by, cause I just don't plan on staying around forever. And they'll say "What a crazy old bitch!"

I just have so much shit in my brain, I have to do something with it. I do write songs, and I do a few other "creative" things, and in fact, I hope to have an actual "website" soon to display these umm... acceptable fruits of my labor.
But azalea black is the name I've given my darkest secret self. The darkest secrets are overflowing. This is where I want to reveal and exorcise (or is it exercise?) the pain. Either one.

People think I'm morbid and strange.

I want to tell my tale while there are still living witnesses, because my tale is utterly unbelievable.

4. and i love her

It's August, 1978.
I'm 16, he's 28.
His hair is blindingly blonde in the mid-morning sun. We've already gotten caught and in trouble for dating, but I'm in love. I've never loved anybody like this. I'm not going to let go. He tried (a little bit) to run me off. Hell, he don't want to get SHOT or go to jail! At least I know he won't get me pregnant, like the boys most of my friends were dating seemed to be doing...
Sure I'm cute and all, but he likes me cause he knows I'm special. He knows there's more to me than cute and sexy. He teaches me Merle Haggard songs and I teach him that it's not to late to get another chance.
He had recently moved back to his hometown after a difficult divorce, and was working as a long-haul trucker, which was convenient, cause he was gone most of the time. He stayed with his elderly parents and that's where we always met up.
I'd come up with a reason to go to town when he was home, and I'd call, and damn! he ALWAYS wanted to see me! Even just to talk!
But we'd always kiss that kiss. And recently we'd even declared love for one another. Once you start saying "I love you" to someone, you gotta keep saying it.
So that morning, we talk for about ten minutes, then I say I better go; we kiss and say "I love you." and "I love you too."
I put mama's Grand Prix in reverse and back out of the short driveway into the street.
George is playing guitar and Paul is singing: "i give her all my love. that's all i do. and if you saw my love you'd love her too"
He's watching me; God only knows what he's thinking. His hair is so golden. He's grinning from ear to ear. He blows me a kiss. My entire being aches to stay with him for longer, longer. My eyes tear up and I pull back up beside him and roll down the passenger-side window.
"What is it sweet patootie?"
"I (choke)... I (choke)... really do love you."
HIS eyes tear up a little bit.
"Little girl, I really do love you too. Don't be sad. One day we'll always be together. Now go home and stay out of trouble!"
All the while Paul's singing "a love like our's could never die as long as i have you near me..."

Bright are the stars that shine, indeed.

We "secretly" dated throughout my senior year of high school, but he got sick and died from a rare, painful, and humiliating form of cancer. I think of him every day.

And that's what that song means to me.

3. interests & bible study for the day

Ok - for some reason this blog won't show my "favorites" & what-not in my "profile" so I'm gonna list them here. Just so you'll know. If anybody's interested, which of course, no one is!!

Movies: almost every movie i've ever seen NOT made in hollywood plus a whole lot of movies that were made in hollywood
Music: almost every music i've ever heard NOT on the radio or mtv plus a whole lot of stuff there too
Books: almost every book i've ever read EXCEPT the bible, yet that's the one i think about the most - angrily and sadly

So there you have it. Movies, music and books. What about paintings? TV shows? What's my favorite color? What's your favorite tree? No one ever asks those questions.

Here's what I want to know: What has God done for you? Do you want to know what he's done for me? He's made me a bitter girl. He's left me stranded. Like the bastard daughter of his unknown concubine that I am. She couldn't help it. She didn't know any better, and she still doesn't.

happy weekend
love
azb

2. There's no way to prepare for the Wrath of God.

So many people from the coast are now declaring their collective mistrust of the "government."
Hello, my newly jaded brothers & sisters.
The Rich White Men In Charge have done the best they could. It's not their fault that no one can be prepared for a catastrophic act of nature.
My question is "You're practicing your freedom of speech, and I'm sure proud so many well-spoken black AND white southerners are doing so, but how can you still trust God?"
Everybody claims and clings to God, or their faith, for getting through tough times.
I only ever felt abandoned by God in tough times.
When I still believed in God, I hurt all the TIME for being so...disappointed in him. I gradually stopped trying to please him and trying to find him and trying to praise him when he obviously cared so little for his creations, including yo's truly, until slowly, I realized I was actually better off without him (or her).

Natives always have the best ideas. For instance, in tropical climes, native folks around coastal areas lived in GRASS HUTS. They are cheap, biodegradable, and easily replaced. Like after a hurricane.
They also gave their gods things they really had, like blood, sweat, sex, and animals, i guess. But hardly ever money. Maybe you gotta tithe for the right to learn about hell.
But I digress.
No, not even the great Democracy, the USA, with it's wealth, "family values" & military might, can defend itself against Mother Nature. But there's no need to plan an invasion of this enemy.
We're already killing her.

love,
azb

1. how will they keep our feces off the streets?

I think we really could destroy the planet in my lifetime after all.

World-wide overpopulation, mega-consumption, and moral decay.
Is there any wonder the so-called Christians are taking over?
But this is not about politics; this is about my eternal soul. I'm going to try to stay on topic.

Around here, the so-called Christians are the absolute majority, and they have ALWAYS had all the power. AND they're all white. And yes, most of them are Southern Baptist, which is a political party poorly disguised as a church. They can't even speak of Jews; Catholics are probably not saved and they are certainly, well, just wrong; Mormons are hell-bound, as are all homosexuals and whores.

Just now, writing that, I had a comma after the word "homosexuals", you know, like "homos, whores, and..." and I had an epiphany.
That's it. That's the only thing that really matters. There's not another "and" after the word whores.
For the People in Charge, there are only two political issues: Gay Rights & Abortion. Think about it. I just did.

Of course, you don't have to be Southern Baptist to hate homo's & ho's. Everybody does. From what little I've gathered, Catholics especially have a dim view of sexual sinners. Unless you've been "called" into the priesthood. Ha ha.
Southern Baptists are also "called" into the ministry, by God himself!! Did you know that?
And the only things dumbass redneck nazis hate more than niggaz is: you guessed it, homo's & ho's.
Homo's & Ho's-my new band name!
So, if you are having sex outside of "Holy Matrimony" know this: everybody else hates you!
I'm not claiming to be homosexual or promiscuous, or even African-American, but I know what it is to be a member of a minority. I am a member of a spiritual minority in which I did not wish or seek to be. I've had an epiphany before.

Anyway, with George in the White House, and Roberts on the Supreme Court, the Christians and other Capitalistic Pigs will trample on the poor, the minorities and the ignorant, but we will not change, for at Wal-Mart and the mall we can all be a little bit equal. Oh, and at church.
And we'll just keep on consuming...and entertaining ourselves...and if the economy fell next week, how long would it take for you to lose your home? And if the Big One hit your town, wouldn't your mama and your sister and daddy and brother and best friend and EVERYBODY lose their home, too? Doesn't everyone live pretty close to most of the people they know?

How WILL they keep our feces off the streets, once everything fails?

All we have is here & now. It's time to get real.

C'mon people now, smile on ya brother!

love,
azb