Frozen In Time

I bet she had no idea how pretty, how perfect she was. She was just glad to have money, beautiful clothes, nice houses, fast cars, handsome/smart/funny men. She was probably a little perplexed at the reaction she got from men - and women.

I wish that when you put in a google image search, the autopsy photo would not be on the first page of results. I don't even think that's her.

I know why people love beautiful women. It's a universal art form.

Love,

azb

Cat Analysis

This is how I want to see myself:

rolling in the sun, peaceful, blissful, free.

But this is how I feel:
trapped inside, looking out at the world, wondering how I can get out there too.
The worst thing is that I'm the one with the keys.
Tomorrow I shall blog about Isolation.
Peace today & forever,
aza tb

BiPolar Bear

The most damaging thing for me is the concept of being born "into sin" "of a sinful nature" "carnal" all these words & phrases runtogetherweAREsin only Jesus' blood's beautiful crimson showers of snowy white redemption and love love love can keep us from the bottomless torture pits of the eternal flames of God's revenge. God who LOVES LOVES LOVES us so much he invented hell...and then "gave his only begotten son" so that we can still be with him in the end?
I never told my oldest son that I believe any of this stuff. I went along with it, however. I didn't have the strength to stand alone on this. I still don't.
What I really wanted to do was run away to some hippy commune out west & raise him on the land. Playing music & being free. But I was so dependent on my family, there's no way I could have done that. I told him this once when he was 19 & he said "I wish you had done that. You could've called me Beowulf or something!" I love this boy so much...
One Sunday morning when he was little, and once again, I wouldn't go to church, but my son went with my mama anyway, my daddy, who never went to church much himself, asked me why in the heck I was so stubborn about this. I asked if he wanted the truth & he, of course, said yes. I told him that I felt, deep in my heart, that being taught that we are born bad & prone to "sin" which hurts God's feelings, but we can't really help it anyway, was very very harmful to me & that I think it's a horrendous principle on which to try to make people do right, and that I wasn't going to teach my son those things, (and By this time I was crying, as usual) and he looked at me like I was an alien & said, "That's the craziest damn thing I ever heard anybody say!"
Well, I didn't think he was going to outright agree with me or anything, but I thought he & I were enough alike in our core beings that he would at least empathize with me or something, but no, he absolutely was thrown. I knew that I'd been too honest again. Ok, I knew how to keep my mouth shut to keep the peace. Don't always have to be so vocal...

I'm afraid in the end, that's what really ended my last marriage. If I had believed that stuff, or could have kept pretending that I did, I'd still be married to my last baby's daddy. But I still don't know if he really believes or if he does it for HIS parents. I really believe that's why he's now "bipolar".
"Bipolar Bear" - big Christmas 06 item...
love,
aza tb

the title of this is "Today's Post"

Ok, I know people have read my blog. I leave the comments section open for a reason. I sincerely want comments. Particularly, I'd like your opinion of my state of mind. I have a bit of fear of going over the edge without myself or anybody else noticing, cause I'm already so isolated & private.
I also have the distinct feeling that even my deepest darkest secrets will not seem so menacing once they're out there in the digital light of day.
Mostly I do this cause I can't afford therapy.

If I were tough enough

I'd be just like this.

my Baby

When I was trying to recover in ICU, they brought me this photo his great-aunt made. I stared & stared & cried & cried because it was all so fucked up. I wanted to be with my baby, desperately, but I also just barely wanted to live. To have died would have been much easier, for me at least, but that would have hurt far, far more people. So with this photo to encourage me, I slowly began to get stronger.

I remember a few weeks later, after I'd gone home, when my sister came up to help me get moved from the in-laws back to my house and we had one of many conversations about *what the hell went wrong* when she made a comment, something like "But just look at him. It was really all worth it, after all, wasn't it." and I said, "No, I can't really say it was."

I knew this was the "wrong" answer, but it was the truth. She's the only person I ever said this to, and she might not even remember it, but I do.

Yes, he was and still is an exceptionally good-looking, smart, charming, and sweet child.

But - and I can't change this - the day he was born the last straggly remnants of my faith disappeared forever.

I wish this were not true.

True Love

This is my mama & daddy, circa 1953.
In 2003 they had their Golden Anniversary. I can't imagine having such a thing, and chances are I never will.
I got some mighty, mighty good genes though.

What a great photo! I wonder who took it?

xoxoxoxox

azb

epiphany 1/22/06

I felt like total shit all day...well ever since about jan. 2...and thought I'd get sick, but I didn't.
It took me about 40 years to get comfortable with my makeup, but now I can usually pull whatever level (casual, work, glamour, sporty, etc.) I need. That's really the most important thing to know about looking good, I'm afraid.
And even though it was warm & rained all day & I just wanted to lay around & watch David Bowie videos or something, my hair managed to do ok (that's absolutely unknown to me in humidity) and that's the second most important thing.
And I'm skinny & know how to move & be funny.
And my teeth are ok.
So just when the video shoot was to begin, lightening struck something nearby, and the electricity went off. No lights, no video.
My head suddenly hurt real bad.
The name of the tune for the video is "Haulin' Ass to Hell," and I knew immediately we'd received a sign.
We laughed & cussed & eased upstairs to get beers.
Well, after about 20 minutes, the lights came back on; our little troopers (who looked SO good, after all) wouldn't leave just because we were "out of the mood". So I put my boots back on, and we went for it.
We had so much FUN, and * we ALL did so good! Great footage!
I couldn't believe I looked that good, and I didn't know I could laugh like that! after laying around, miserable, feeling so near-suicidal for so many days. I wonder how good I could look AND feel if I tried to take better care of myself?
KC thinks he might be crazy. Ha! Is what I say! He makes things happen. GOOD things! What's crazy about that?
I had a fresh outlook today, even though it's very dark & cold. It won't be for long!
Today was a wonderful Monday.
peace,
azb

video shoot

Tonight's the video shoot, so I'm having to concentrate on looking hot.
Wish us luck!
love,
Aza t b

a Brilliantly Colored Patch

Here's a little story with a moral. I'm just not sure what the moral is...
One Friday Night in September, 10th grade
After the ballgame, everyone goes "uptown" - that's what we call it. You drive from the country to town, circle the court square, then to the Jitney Jungle parking lot. You know.
Back then, I swear, you could ride around drinking beer & smoking pot all day & night, and as long as you didn't get into a fight or a wreck, you'd be ok. You had to do something extremely stupid to have to go to jail or get a DUI. You could park at that lot, get out, walk around, and see practically everyone you knew. Just like Dazed & Confused...
ANYway, I was not really a smoker or drinker (yet) at the time, but I was absoLUTEly into boys. As one of those "lucky" girls who blossomed early, I'd been getting the occasional sugar since about the 7th grade.
It was always about the sugar. Good kissin' is more important than looks, money, or cars!
It's like the girl on Happy Days said, "I'm not FAST, but I like to KISS."
So my friends, t & s, wanted this guy who we all knew, from another school, to get them some wine, and he was like, "Yeah, if Miss _____ (me) will hang out with me later." and I, taking in his beautiful eyes, and wondering how HE might kiss, said "Sure!"
I wasn't going to be DRINKing, after all, and neither was he.
He was really really cute & fairly popular, I guess. We were almost practically kinfolk. Just a good ol boy.
So t & s went their way & we went ours, with the old "be back in 30" thang, and we went parking on the outskirts of town.
I'm sure we talked, but I don't know what about. I'm sure we listened to some music, but I don't remember what, and that's really odd cause I remember what music was playing in every memory of my life so far.
I know he kissed me, which I wanted, but I don't have any recollection of it at all.
What I DO remember is his penis SUDDENly being out, loose in his lap, and him trying to force my hand upon it.
WHOA! i said, WHAT are you doing?
He was trying to MAKE me touch him. I'd never touched a bare penis, and I was nowhere NEAR being turned on enough right then to do so! He was PAWING, mauling me, just like they do in those movies from the 60s & 70s. But I still wanted to like him! I was so confused, but I managed to get him off me. That's when he said, "Just rub it a little bit & I won't put you outta my truck."
I was only 15, and a little naive, but I could not believe this horse shit!
"You've gotta be kidding!"
He completely stopped smiling (and I realized that I'd never REALly seen him smile!) and his eyes went black (they're what you call "beady" for sure!) and he said "I'm not going to rape you or anything. Just rub it a little and I'll take you back to town, or don't and I'll leave you here, and tell everybody you sucked it."
So I rubbed it a little. He didn't even get off. I think I pissed him off with my lack of expertise.
"Now take me back!"
He rather hastily took me back to my friends. I was a little freaked out, then I wondered if either of those two had ever been alone with him. But I spoke not a word, and went on about my life as if it had never happened. I sure as hell avoided that guy from then on. He seemed to get stranger & stranger as the years went by...
I never told ANYbody about that, and it would have probably faded into the back of my mind like so many other random, uncomfortable memories, except for the Thing that happened about 10 years later.
That guy slashed & choked a girl to death.
When they arrested him, many nice people claimed they didn't think he could possibly have done such a thing, but I was not surprised at all.
And then, the evidence was overwhelming. I believe he's serving a life sentence.
I wonder how many other girls this guy roughed around. As he was only 17 or 18 with me that time, and he was always with a girl, I'd bet quite a few. And I'd bet at least a couple were hurt pretty badly. This kind of behavior only gets worse with age. After the murder & trial, all sorts of rumors came out about things like domestic violence, beastiality, anti-social behavior.
I also wonder if me & all those others had spoken out long ago, he might have gotten some help or been put away (or down) before he made that final leap away from the human race.
They blamed it on drugs & Satan, I think. That's such bullshit.
This is an unresolved issue in my head. It's a tiny, but brilliantly colored patch on my guilt quilt.
I think about her every day, and if I could time-travel, she'd still be here.

Well you know my name is Azalea

and I like to (pretend to) do drawings!

I need to spend some time working on my mad p-shop skilz. Maybe I WILL get that printer...

Oh Yeah, That's the Money Shot

This is the ghost I'm still in love with. And thankfully, he's still with me!!
I kinda hope he doesn't look here, cause I don't want him to know how much I think about him. That would make me vulnerable.
Not only has he recorded a critically acclaimed album, now he's starring in an indie short which is sure to be a darling of the festival circuit this spring.
Other people are recognizing what I've known all along.
He's a fuckin' rockstar!
peace,
aza tb

All My Lovin'

To the men & boys I've loved:

You might know who you are. You might not. You're all here with me, everyday. You marked me in some way or another. I think about you all the time.

What do I mean by the word "love"? Just that. I recognized it as such.

Did I mark you as well? I hope so, actually. I just hope I was more fun than fucked up. Believe me, it probably wasn't your fault!

Peace,

Aza the Black!

Sinew & Scar Tissue

Azalea the Non-Custodial Parent

B.S. told me yesterday that he wonders sometimes why I didn't take him with me. He thinks it's mostly because his grandparents are "rich" and that IS a big part of it. He also said that he likes me better than anyone else. This conversation gave me intense diarrhea.

Well, everybody I love IS nuts!

Ok, I took out the preacher's pic & added Ra - not that I worship Ra, I just don't wanna get in trouble with ANYONE local!
I understand what they're trying to say. I just don't agree with their reasoning.
I was taught that God was a much better father than my daddy, without all of Daddy's faults. And that he loved me way more. But the TRUTH is that Daddy is, and always was, far better to me than God. And my daddy is NUTS!
The one thing I've prayed for more than anything-comfort & reassurance-I only got from myself, family, & a couple of friends. All men & women.
I still miss almost believing. I even asked him to come back. Once again, I got no answer.
So thanks, but no thanks, ya'll.
Love
azalea the black

and this is what was inside

This is an outright lie.
Thank you.

Maybe if we think & wish & hope & pray it might come true!

That's what a church left on my door.
Yes, it WOULD be nice, I thought to myself. So I opened it up.

Things I Wish I Didn't Know So Much About

1. Penile Cancer
2. Spinal Cord Injury
3. Disseminating Intravasacular Coagulation
4. Drug Addiction
5. Depression
6. Religion
7. Alcoholism

If you had penile cancer, you'd shoot up Demerol too, and you would NOT want them to remove it.
If your spinal cord were smashed at C7, you'd curse, scream, and cry all the goddamned time too.
If you woke up 5 days later from giving birth, in restraints, on a respirator, unable to do ANYthing, with a big gash where your uterus & tubes & shit used to be- not an incision, but a GASH!, and you're informed you came ~ this close to death, and your baby boy is fine & perfect & all, but he's at your in-laws, where you will all spend the upcoming several weeks, but right now you just have to get strong & LIVE, and you're lucky you don't really remember that day, but you are SO STRONG, well, you'd freak out too.
I don't know how to take it when people tell me I'm strong. I don't think I'm strong at all. I turn to drugs or alcohol to help me be strong. I've been taught that that's the worst thing in the world to do. But it works for me (moderation is the key!)
I used to turn to God to be strong for me. That's what I was taught to do. I can't do that anymore. I just have to live my life.
I'm glad I don't really remember the pain & weakness of the winter of '98-'99. I do remember being constantly overwhelmed at what my body had done; it had forced me to experience new levels of discomfort - physical, mental, emotional, and most of all, spiritual.
During the failing of my body, which included massive blood loss & transfusions, emergency hysterectomy, and a couple of hours of no blood pressure (I have a copy of those charts!), then a helicopter ride to a major trauma hospital and several more hours of more surgeries, followed by about 5 1/2 days of total darkness, I feel that God, who I'd been seeking for most of my 37 years, had a perfect opportunity to show himself. Instead I realized almost immediately (well, it took several days for all this near-death shit to sink in!) that there was nothing on the other side.
Maybe this is why some dying men, even in horrible pain & suffering, will beg for life. They've seen the great nothing.
For me, it was kind of comforting. The nothing was just that-nothing. The recovering, however, was extremely difficult, and seems to be ongoing...
It won't be long til Monday...wah wah wah

Borealis South

Silver, Blue & Gold

the colors of the sky I'm told

too cold to go out, but just right to LOOK out

The winter lights amaze me. I could blind myself staring at the slanted sun. I would love to see the Aurora Borealis.

If I put in a paypal button, would you guys contribute to send me there? Or hell, anywhere! I'll write about and take photos of my travels for your enjoyment.

I had a child-less pajama day, and didn't do a damn thing. Watched a couple of movies that I'm glad I saw. Never mind; I guess I DID do something! Movies aren't nothing, ya know!

Art is the only thing now

peace,

aza t b

I'll have a Prozac & a Bud Light, please!

Just because you never see me holding a book, don't assume I never read. I read constantly. It's so much easier now too! I love the internet. Not only can you find out & learn about any subject that crosses your mind, you can find "friends" who share your interests, without ever leaving the safety & comfort of your own home!
If I'd had the internet & shit like myspace when I was younger, I might not have felt so alone, and maybe I wouldn't have done some of the stupid things I did.
I don't really regret, though. I think I've done pretty well with what I was handed.
And some of the things I did that OTHER people thought were stupid, maybe I think differently.

As I will be posting here daily, I will almost certainly be getting into details, mostly from the past, that I don't really want to tell you. But these are incidents & accidents that are ON MY MIND, consciously, so often, that I know they've marked, and scarred, and changed me along the way. And most of these have such NEGATIVE and DEPRESSING connotations! that I feel like Debbie Downer all the goddamned time, but HEY! those who walk with me will also be entertained, amused, enlightened, frightened, and held lovingly, at arm's length.
Love,
moi!

Everyday it's a-gettin' closer Goin' faster than a rollercoaster Love like yours will surely come my way A-hey, a-hey-hey

I wanted to come home all day today, but I didn't, and when I got home, got a beer and saw that "Home on the Range" was coming on, so I've watched most of that & it's fuckin hilarious! And good! It made me feel better. I highly recommend that movie, for anyone who likes ole skool Disney animation, but with modern touches. Unfortunately, including fart & burp jokes, and subliminal homoerotica. And subliminal heteroerotica (hey! DAIRY cows!)
Tomorrow maybe I'll call in!
Love,
Aza

Day 2!

This is me, if I were a paisley.



Today totally sucked ass. What can I do to make myself better? Can I FORCE myself to feel a certain way? Isn't that just like forcing myself to believe things I know are false? If I KNOW that I feel shitty & suicidal, how can I feel happy & alive? If I KNOW that you're lying to me, though I may wish I could do differently, I will not believe it's true.



However, I have used photoshop to alter the above photo, so that it is unidentifiable as a human. I'm the only person who knows it's me. Maybe that makes ME god. Maybe I can use emoto-shop on myself to alter my feelings.

Software developers, get to work on this!

Big Holiday 2006 item: Emotoshop!

peace,

aza

a little experiment

and Voila! c'est moi!!



I think I'll try doing this every day. Maybe for 6 mos. See what happens.

I promise to tell if something's really on my mind.

Right now it's nothing but money. And work.

So work on some things I want me to work on too.

Everything is so very hard for me. Everything. That's the truth.

I'm tired. I'm poor. I'm a huddled mass yearning to be free!

Should I go to the Statue of Liberty? Will I be liberated there?

peace,

aza the black!

Holy Cow it's 2006!

Nothing changes on New Year's Day.